Families are often described as the cornerstone of society. But what builds a family?

“The building blocks of a family are emotional bonds and the confidence one has in the security of these is a resource of resilience for an individual but also for the family as a whole.” (Furrow et al., 2019).

When we talk about being at home we refer to a feeling and an experience of belonging. It is a safe place from which to explore the world. The originator of attachment theory, John Bowlby, mentioned that “ all of us, from cradle to grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figure(s).

Going into the world knowing that our loved ones are there for us gives us a secure basis from which to explore the world. The confidence in these connections gives family members more resilience and allows them to face challenges in life better.

Maintaining good family ties helps to keep these connections as life situations change over time. Once these connections are disrupted it can cause distress to the individual family members and to the family as a whole. If that happens then Emotionally Focused Family Therapy can provide support. It focuses on transforming the family’s insecure pattern into positive cycles of security (Furrow et al. 2019).

A key component is learning to regulate emotions. Emotion regulation describes the ability to influence emotion and its expression (Gross, 1998). This is a complex skill that is learned automatically in families when children feel safe. Accepting children, validating them, and assuring them they are cared for and loved, is what parents can do to make children feel secure. So that they can have that secure base from which to explore the world. Throughout our lives, we all need this support though. So do include older family members as well. 

Once we can regulate our emotions better we connect more deeply with significant others. A simple way that can help you be more emotionally responsive to others is by making use of the acronym A.R.E. It stands for: 

Accessibility: Can I reach you? This is about staying open, even if you feel insecure and have doubts.

Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? This is about tuning in to your loved one.  About accepting and prioritizing their emotional cues.

Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close? This is about being emotionally present.

A good way to remember A.R.E. is the phrase “ Are you there, are you with me?” (Johnson, 2008). Knowing that loved ones are there for us calms our nervous system and makes us feel safe. It provides a secure base from which we can explore the world. 

References:

Furrow, J., Faller, G., Johnson, S. M., Palmer, G., & Palmer-Olsen, L. (2019). Emotionally focused family therapy: Restoring connection and promoting resilience. Routledge. 

Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark. 

Written by:
Allard Mueller
Counsellor and Psychotherapist
SACAC Counselling

As the adage correctly states, it takes collaboration between various parties to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. This is especially so if a child is going through a challenging time and demonstrating behavioral and emotional distress.  

Research has shown that parental involvement is essential to positive therapy outcomes for most children, regardless of age. Typically, the younger the child the more involved a parent should be. Parental involvement is especially important in the translation of therapeutic skills from the clinic to real-life situations in the child’s life.

In short, it is crucial that parents act as drivers of prescribed therapy at home. Active participation is key. As a parent, how can you actively contribute to your child’s therapeutic journey? Here are some suggestions:

• Be engaged in your child’s therapy session where possible. Take notes and ask questions when in doubt. It is appreciated when a parent shares concerns about various skills or strategies taught in session and provides honest feedback about their child’s responses to the therapy. This enables the therapist to accurately pinpoint issues and appropriately adapt the therapy sessions to better accommodate the unique needs of the child.
  
• Be prepared to do “homework”. One of the most important roles of a parent in therapy is to ensure that their child practices the skills learnt in session and to facilitate generalisation of these skills while in a home environment. This may involve parents taking some time out of their schedules in order to engage the child in some exercises. In addition, the parents should note any questions which may arise and document progress so that it can be readily addressed at the next therapy session.
  
• Facilitate necessary communication between your child’s therapist and other stakeholders. Sometimes, it is important to engage other stakeholders in the child’s therapy such as the school and teachers. It is very helpful if parents take the initiative and open up the communication between all stakeholders. This will help everyone better understand the child’s strengths and weaknesses and how to better support in various settings.  
  
• Finally, while it is encouraged to be involved, be careful about being over-involved and attempting to dictate the direction of therapy. As a parent, one might experience anxiety or impatience and feel the urge to act on these emotions. Should this occur, it is important to address these concerns with the therapist and work together as a team.  

Remember, while the therapist is the expert of the relevant theoretical knowledge and therapy process, the parent is ultimately the expert of the child! When parents and therapists collaborate, progress and empowerment inevitably results.

Written by:
Jamie Ong
Clinical Psychologist
SACAC Counselling

I often write these blogs in a light-hearted way. I try to think of you, the reader (hopefully more than one, but you are important enough) – not necessarily an expert but perhaps someone with more than a passing interest in mental health. In trying to engage you, I offer something of importance while remembering that we all have other things in our lives too. So here is a quick question for you: which word links the 2 points from the APA Dictionary of Psychology below?

1. a pattern of unnecessarily engaging in activities or behaviors that are dangerous or highly subject to chance.
2. accepting a challenging task that simultaneously involves potential for failure as well as for accomplishment or personal benefit. 

Did you guess? Oh, well done. Yes, the word is risk.  Did you notice how they sounded different, but actually talked about the same thing? They are 2 sides of the same coin. Risk is a game of chance; it might be fun, but it might not. And it may be preoccupying more and more of us. 

A couple of years ago, you might have been less consumed by this topic, but along came a pandemic to adjust your thinking. Now we all regularly assess risk in a very overt way. It may not just be that, though. Perhaps it simply did what a virus does – reveal and feed off underlying conditions. You can’t get very far in daily life now without being accosted by a set of instructions; and 10 people lined up to tell you how to do it. Whatever happened to Lego? Didn’t you just build it? Not anymore – use the manual. Creativity is being increasingly managed.

Along with creativity comes risk. There is a chance something may not work, but you have the freedom to develop things that might. Yet much of life now is trained, instructed or more subtly guided. How many ‘gentle reminders’ have you had lately? Incessant calls you get to confirm an appointment are perhaps part of a concerted effort to eliminate risk. It may be something to guard against.

Risk has a very necessary role in life. At our core, we are curious beings and this is what fuels our development. Some of us do more with this than others, depending on our life circumstances and temperaments, but we all encounter it. Perhaps noticing how often we do is important; ever run down the stairs, or should I say escalators now – you could hurt yourself! Have you ever watched the fear that some people have when stepping onto them? We may all have very different approaches to balancing risk; I say balancing rather than managing, as to manage something may take the sting and the life out of it. 

This is very tempting to do with children. Armbands and stabilisers are very necessary to a point – which is always determined individually – but they also detract from the reality of an experience. It is frightening to give young people a role in their own experiences – you can usually smell the impending disaster from a long way off. This can encourage a desire in the grown-ups to control things. This is sometimes wholly necessary but when it doesn’t fit the child or the situation, it may encourage more than it prevents. It can be very difficult to work out the danger or benefit of an experience without involving your children in the thinking. If the level of risk may be determined by the context and the nature of support available, thinking about it together may be vital.

Written by:
Robert Leveson
Psychotherapist & Counsellor
Children and Families (Reg; TSP, BPC & APACS)
SACAC Counselling

References:

American Psychological Association; APA Dictionary of Psychology.  https://dictionary.apa.org 

Wider Reading:

Zuckerman, M. (2007). Sensation seeking and risky behavior. American Psychological Association.

https://www.bmj.com/content/370/bmj.m2913.long

I’m not prone to quoting biblical phrases too often, so I shall take these from a song instead:

To everything

(Turn, turn, turn)

There is a season

(Turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose

Under Heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

Seeger, P (1959)

There is something very settling and yet unsettling about these words. They suggest perhaps a sense of order and of sequence, something which can ground us and orient us. This is surely a comfort when we try to navigate the seeming unpredictability and randomness of life. Yet, it is not always clear when the time is, especially when you live in a place with less defined seasons; is it a time to build up or to break down? Is casting away such a good idea? In many ways, perhaps, these are not things for us to know – as the song suggests. But there is, it seems, a stronger pull to provide answers in our currently abnormal world. It is something we may do well to caution against.

You don’t have to go far at the moment to find someone with an answer to life’s questions. Despite a growing tendency to denigrate established thinking, everyone seems to be an expert (even me for some reason). Consultants abound, and people seek to ‘influence’ others on all aspects of life. News can sound more like opinion than fact and in an age where you can study Klingon at university, the act of building knowledge may seem increasingly trivial. 

However, for your child, it is a developmental process which should be allowed to take its course – and not just at school. Curiosity is at its core, and never more clearly expressed than in play. I spend much of my time – somewhat to the bemusement of many parents – following children’s play. They seem to take it all quite seriously, which draws me in. To paraphrase Winnicott, a paediatrician and psycho-analyst of deceptive simplicity; it is only in playing that a child is able to be creative, and ‘…it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.’ (Winnicott, 1971, P.54) This experience is an exploration and one which is not known from the outset, even by the most organised of children. Momentum develops and takes it somewhere. This unpredictability has value and is the space for development. It is something to allow, to go along with, to follow and discover – if you try and construct or control it, it loses that value. It’s a bit like a conversation. You have to listen to do it properly.

So when your child asks you to play, get stuck in. And the next time they ask whether it’s a time to lose or a time to keep, perhaps consider seeing what they think before saying more. They may well surprise you. 

References:
Winnicott, D. (1971) Playing and Reality. London, Routledge.

McGuinn, R. The Byrds. (1965) Seeger, P (1959) ‘Turn! Turn! Turn!’ Los Angeles, Columbia Records.  

(Adapted from; King James Version. (1611) The Holy Bible; Ecclesiastes (3:1-8))

Written by:
Robert Leveson, 
Psychotherapist & Counsellor, 
Children and Families (Reg; TSP, BPC)

The virus-which-shall-not-be-named is a most tempting topic for a blog. Although I am tempted, I am looking for something we all may have in common in our current experience, rather than squarely at the culprit. And I think I may have found it.

Imagine your child with an ice cream in hand. They are perhaps smiling and cherishing the thought of it. As they lift it to their mouth, you notice the blob shifting. Then, oh dear, it slips and falls to the pavement with a sloppy splat. Even with the enhanced cleanliness of Singapore’s constantly mopped pavements, I doubt it can be licked off. You may even have to stop them trying. So in the end, there it will sit, shrinking away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Oh, what a world.

What your child then experiences is a sense of loss, a sensation of having something taken away, something they liked. As well as the thing itself, it was the hope and the joy that was stolen, the associated experience. And though that experience took place in the outside world, it was also an internal loss. To mourn this loss – any loss – is a process, one which Freud (1917) long ago described as letting go of the individual memories, one by one. It is painful, but also part of development and our common humanity. It is necessary for recovery and the development of resilience. Kessler (2019) a century later, similarly sketched out a process of grief, noting how people move through stages which end with making meaning.

There perhaps is where your role as a parent comes in. Freud, and many since, also pointed out that there is a difference between this process of ordinary mourning and one which he called ‘melancholia’, what we would now call depression. In this state, it is less clear what is felt to be lost and the feeling becomes more personal – to paraphras in e Freud, a feeling that they themselves are poorer and emptier ( Freud, 1917 P.45). This loss of self-regard or esteem, or a growth of self-reproach in your child would be greater cause for concern. But it may not be immediately apparent, or distinguishable without some exploration.

So if you feel that your child is down, perhaps think with them about what they may be feeling sad about. They may need help in articulating the things they have lost, as well as the associated feelings. You do not need a psychology doctorate to do this. In fact, your own expertise as their parent will serve you well. Perhaps the main thing to consider is how much room to give them to explore, and how much to hold their hand while they do so. While listening and thinking out loud with them, you will help them to share their feelings, as well as be their company. Having feelings thought about with someone trusted is the essence of the therapeutic role but the heart of a parental role. And if you decide they, or you, may need some further support, you will do so with insight and a feeling of partnership in your next step.   

References:
Freud, S. (1917 (1915)) ‘Mourning and Melancholia’’, in Freud, S. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 14: 1914-1916. On the History of the Post Psycho-analytic Movement, Papers on Metapsychology and Other Works. London: Hogarth Press, 1958, pp.237-258.
Kessler, D (2019) Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Simon and Schuster, Scribner Imprint, New York.

Written by:
Robert Leveson
Psychotherapist & Counsellor,
Children and Families (Reg; TSP, BPC)

 

How do we approach it so it doesn’t become a nightmare?

How do we make the most of it so it can help us reconnect as a family?

How do we take it seriously- enough but not too much to ensure it doesn’t completely disrupt our adult life to avoid burn-out?

Some tips:

1. Make a daily schedule
The more it is visual and co-decided by the child, the more it will empower them to feel responsible in applying it. They will more take ownership on what has been done and what is left.

2. Preferably do school work in the morning
Wake up your child at the same time school starts. A child’s cognitive capacities function better in the morning- he will be concentrated and work better. Then, playtime and relaxation comes as a reward well-earned. Avoid using too many e-resources to keep it a dynamic shared learning moment.

3. Establish a new ritual
Ensure you can transform the learning into a fun and shared moment in family and that it shows you are happy to contribute. Doing a 10-minute activity to recap the learning of the at the end of the day on a slate can be fun and experimental.

4. No nap time doesn’t mean no calm time
Modelling the idea to pause during the day is important. A lot of parents think that their child is too old to nap  and therefore they can do whatever they want. Whether they are lying down on their bed reading or listening to music, it is key for them to disconnect and learn to be by themselves.   It is called calm time and can apply to everyone in the family. Boredom is welcomed.  Silence is gold. It also allows parents to have a break and ensure they get a ‘blank space’.

Written by:
Saveria Cristofari
Counsellor

Have you noticed how hard it is to walk behind someone playing with their phone? Dancing unpredictably with themselves and generally getting in your way, they move like they are treading on an ant colony. If only they were paying attention to you. 

Attention is central to our world. Everyone and everything competes for it; from TV screens in bars which draw your eyes from your friend’s, to social media and advertising shouting at you from any device. In school, teachers despair at children who simply will not pay attention. Soldiers are ordered to ‘attention!’ Yet few hold it for very long. Indeed, at times it is conspicuously missing, or occasionally in ‘disorder’. Perhaps it would help to look at it from a different angle, one where attention is very much present.

On becoming a parent, you are attentive to your baby’s every need. Your awe-inspiring little bundle of noise, mess and love is attended to like an unexploded bomb. Over time, this attention develops in line with your experience and interests, but also in response to your child; you learn together as you get to know each other. The dictionary describes a parent as the mother or father of a person; you have a position. From your position, you have a view of – and a perspective on – your child. What you attend to will help shape your relationship. 

Some parents attend particularly to their child’s appearance, or their education; others to their leisure time or family relationships. Your child will develop a sense of the importance of the things which receive attention. They may take them on for themselves, they may adapt or reject them, but they will not go unnoticed. The attention you give is therefore powerful and will colour your child’s responses to you and others. 

It is also important to attend to yourself; to look after yourself, but also to catch yourself and what you are focusing on when you are with your child. You then have a sense of what they may see in you. It is a reflective position, where you think about how you may be understood by someone else.  It is something akin to Mindfulness. “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgementally.’’ (Kabat-Zinn, 1994 p.4) If you are looking for ways to understand your child, look no further than where you direct your – and their – attention. 

References:
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994) Wherever You Go, There You Are. Piaktus, New York

Written by:
Robert Leveson
Psychotherapist & Counsellor,
Children and Families (Reg; TSP, BPC)
SACAC Counselling